‘If you don’t want to get out the bath, don’t poo in it’

You’ll need a spade to clear up that mess, ‘Guv

Providing tips for new parents is one of the key aims of my blog – but in this case, all I can think of is to invest in a little fishing net and don’t expect Mummy to be too helpful.

Yesterday, I documented the chaos that was bourbon biscuit-gate and how one tiny morsel resulted in a great impression of an intimate bovine examination. Click here if you missed it.

One comment replied: “At least it wasn’t poop,” a point I fully subscribed to.

Unfortunately, this comment had a touch of Nostradamus about it because just 24 hours after our mega weaning fail, Albie ticked off another inevitable milestone: the in-bath poop.

Casting aside the clear-the-room odours generated from one special allergy milk we trialled, I’ve not been too perturbed by poo parcels.

The time he did a poo and weed before I had time to clear it, creating a literal dung river, was admittedly also one to forget.

But before yesterday, we had navigated a good nine months of pleasant bath times without the appearance of what looked like Diglett from between his legs.

Yelling ‘EMERGENCY’ to Mummy through no reason other than sheer panic, all hope of a seamless clean-up operation went down the proverbial toilet, as an excitable – and very pleased with himself – Albie proceeded to thrash all four of his limbs around like he’s never done before.

Early bath times were so much more…relaxing!

Poor Diglett never stood a chance. Just hours after the cleaners had scrubbed the tub until it gleamed, it now only served to hold a load of brown, murky water, with bits of broken up Diglett and remnants of dinner which had prompted the bath in the first place.

Needless to say Mummy’s hands-on personal care experience after working as a nurse and in a special educational needs school made her an ideal candidate to assist the decontamination process. Even more needless to say, Mummy still felt unqualified for the task.

As I said, there’s not much you can say to help parents through this momentous occasion. My online advice is for Albie, who was screaming as he was extricated from the bath for a clean one to be run:

“If you don’t want to get out of the bath, don’t poo in it!”


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